the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
And my parents said I crawled through the house
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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