I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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