when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Holy shit dude........stairs
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
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