Old men and throwing up are my life now.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
