My nipple is on Facebook.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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