Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I DON'T KNOW WHERE WE ARE WE ARE TOO FUCKING ELEVATED.
Me either! Fuck yeah, 12th and something. 12th and hamburger stand.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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