This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
