I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
