He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
