i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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