I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I am spending my child support on dildos
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Randomize