dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
did you just send me my own nude
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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