well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
