Will you blow on my dice?
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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