fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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