filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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