you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
