I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Randomize
