I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
ugly people sure do ruin things
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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