3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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