No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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