He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
