Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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