Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
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