So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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