maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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