Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Randomize
