I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Someone stole a lamp last night.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
