Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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