my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Oh god it's open bar.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
