Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Define "chronic" masturbator.
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
