The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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