Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
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