just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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