In America we eat man semen.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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