i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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