i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
