i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
