I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Randomize
