y did u give ur computer a hand job?
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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