I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
