So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
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