im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
