you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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