See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
