i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize