dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize