Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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