I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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