All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
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