just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
you mean i was at the winter classic?
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
