can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
