I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
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