How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
where are my pants?
in the oven.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Randomize
